Lifeless wars

"From Vikings to Greeks". Indian director Tarsem Singh, better known as a music video maker, who directed the Losing My Religion video of R.E.M. (1991), then made famous by locking Jennifer Lopez in "The Cage" with the maniac Vince Vaughn, and now predominantly working as an advertising executive, decided to light a Greek fire in himself. The plot is based on the myth of Theseus and the Minotaur, but it’s just as if, because times are modern, and lovers of myth nowadays should be looking for them with kettledrums and tambourine, so the director reasonably decided to simplify everything. Theseus is a very cool man of mere mortals. Minotar is a man with a mask on his face. The labyrinth is the brain of the viewer. And Ariandna. she’s not here, and who needs her with her balloons?. Theseus is killing the Minotaur in open combat, and the horned man is kind of on the side of the story.

Since the director is Indian, he couldn’t help but bring at least one kindred spirit into the film, it was Freda Pinto, who played, like, an ancient oracle with completely modern looks and modern makeup on her face. The oracle is having an affair with Theseus, and there’s also Stephen Dorff. You’re still waiting for a good movie? You, sir, are an optimist.

Everything in this film is exactly that "like". Like, about Greece, like, massive special effects (although they don’t make any special impression), like, a game of, like, actors. Although no, there is one exception: Mickey Rourke. He plays his negative tyrant Hyperion for real, and if it’s the old Micky who’s not to blame, it’s him. But you can’t go it alone. Everything else, on the other hand, is a very empty and silly, cardboard, lifeless spectacle. No, it’s okay for a music video, it’s okay for a commercial for ancient Greek myths, but it’s okay for a movie.

"Gods" Here for the check mark and the closing scene. The battle scenes, fights, that pulled more than one picture, shot horribly. The storyline’s a little left-field… It doesn’t make any sense. "Ancient Greek" similarly. Aside from Mickey Rourke’s acting, I find it hard to even point to a single bright spot. The final frame is emblematic: when a man falls on top of the viewer with his, pardon me, heel from under an open chiton. Bravo! Cut. That’s, like, how he fights, man. And Tarsem Singh makes movies like this, all through the ass. And Jennifer Lopez is not the worst option here, as we have already realized. Well, this method is by no means groundbreaking for modern Hollywood.

To see something like that in a movie theater – I don’t envy anyone. My sincere condolences and respect to those who survived it with honor. And they don’t even return a jar of olives as compensation.